My Life and Where it all began

I was born in April of 1975 to a mother who was 16 years old and her second child. Had the hospital known what would happen when she took me home maybe they might have thought twice. Maybe not. Well it was all part of Gods plan for my life and looking back I can see that now. However that little girl that found comfort rocking with a pillow to pretend it was arms didn't. She still has pain and tears and comes around from time to time. She is me and she is this baby that was sent home that spring day 33 years ago. She once belonged to nobody but always belonged to God. It started at 6 months old when they took me from my breastfeeding mom and put me in a foster home and gave me bottles. Because I was too old to breastfeed and my mom was too young to parent me. Well that was just scratching the surface of things. I hate alchol to this day. I can't stand the smell and now I know why. Around 10 months old I could pull myself to stand in my crib. To reach out and see why mom was crying. Why the yelling and fighting. My eyes seen it all but my voice was too small. I screamed and screamed but no one came to soothe me and he beat her up. The smell of alchol on his body left a imprint in my mind and I can't stand it now. Back and forth from foster home to my mom. Finding comfort in her breast but being rippped away again and again. Then it happened I stopped talking and trusting and developing as I should have. I was 2 years old she said she loved me and she wispered in my ear I am comming back to get you. I believed her and she gave me a hug and that was the last time I seen her again. If you look at my picture at two you can see on my face the sadness it left. Though she abandoned me in a trailer and left me to watch her being abused I still loved her and hadn't developed hate. That would come later on. So 3 years old 6 foster homes later and now a mute with developmental delay no one wanted to adopt me. They said be a good girl and maybe you can get a new mommy. I was good each time in this metal room I sat not a word. Then one couple came and took my sister away. Now I had no one in my life and she was adopted out. Life went on and one day in preschool as I was finishing a puzzle the teacher came to get me. I figured another mommy wanted to look at me and see if I was good enough. Sure enough and like all the others I figured she would leave too. After all I remember sitting in the playground on the side of the sandbox with my hands through the sand thinking that I was diffrent. I knew I was and no one wanted me. The teacher said why don't you play with the other kids. My first words in a long time came out Because I am diffrent. Her grown up talk wanders through my mind and back to my quite little world where no one could hurt me. We travel to my foster parents house. This time no room, no metal chairs, no case workers with fake happy smiles. They see me she cries and I look at her with a blank stare. My foster mom takes me to the back and shuts my suit case giving me chapstick and a hippo purse. With a tear she wipes from her eyes. I ask why are you crying. She says never you mind come lets go. She hugs me and says I will love you forever. We drive away as I stare out the window with a blank stare. Sitting on the big seat trying to keep from sliding off. So this is what it means to get a mommy and daddy. I lay down on the floor board in the back of the car and sleep with my head on the hump. After a long journey I met my brother for the first time. She was so excited as she woke me up Joy honey where here to get your brother. My mind kept thinking I don't have a brother but maybe they will have my sister. I was dispointed that no it was just a baby boy but not my baby. Of course later on I would love him and cherish him to death. But I was grieving the loss of my sisters and my mother still. Here she was so warm and loving and telling me that she was my mommy. To be continued